It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn
by forensicsfan
Summary: A discussion with a suspect causes Sara to reflect on where her life has been and where it's going. Sort of a post-ep for "Big Middle".


**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I didn't create them, and I don't profit from them, but as always, I'd love to buy coffee for George and Jorja, and just because tomorrow (March 1st) is George's birthday, I'll spring for cake and ice cream.

**Author's Note:** This idea came from watching the interview Sara had with a suspect in "Big Middle" this past week. It just made me think that we're not all as different as we might think.

* * *

I wonder if she knows that I know how she feels, that those same insecurities that drove her to take the leap into bed with any man that would have her are the same that kept me from seeing what was right under my nose. She may think that her size and my size make us so different, but we're not. 

Different that is.

Maybe on the outside we are, but then everyone is. But inside I have so many doubts about myself and my worth that have absolutely nothing to do with the size of my body.

I think about all of the time and energy that I have put into trying to get Grissom to see me as something worthy of taking a risk for. Deep down I know that I'm not the problem, that there really isn't something wrong with me. I didn't used to feel that way, but I see things differently now and I wish this woman sitting across from me seeing her weight as a barrier to everything that she longs for would see that too. I want to tell her that she is worth far more than the men that would prey on her insecurities to get her into bed would let her believe; that she should want to be with a man that wants the whole world to know that they're together. I wish that I could show her what I've found, but then I think she'd think I've come by it too easily.

Sometimes people have to figure things out on their own, even if they have to go to hell and back to get there.

I would never have admitted to myself when I met him that I was falling right then. I would never have imagined that I might be the kind of woman that he could love with a love that shouts from the mountain tops. Someone might have tried to tell me, but I wouldn't have listened. I needed to figure out it out on my own.

I listen to the pain that surrounds every word that comes out of this woman's mouth and I feel it. Perhaps I cannot understand the shame that causes her to wish that she would be charged with murder for something that was simply an unfortunate accident, an accident that unfortunately is related to her weight. Pain is heaped upon that shame and I wish that I could reach out to her and make her understand that it isn't her fault, that she shouldn't want it to be her fault.

She carries around the weight on her body in full view of the world and she is ridiculed for it. I have carried around the weight of my secrets for years and only recently have I found the courage to share that burden that I feared I would be ridiculed for if anyone had found out about it. I'm not sure if this woman would listen, if she really wants my understanding, but deep inside, I know that our pain is similar.

For years I never thought that a man could love me. I reached out to emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid that I would end up like my parents if I let someone become too close to me. My fixation on Grissom for so long reflected that. I think that I knew deep down inside that he couldn't or wouldn't have the kind of relationship that I wanted with him and that made wanting him safer because I'd never actually be presented with the risk.

Sometimes life can surprise you though. Sometimes when you walk through the darkest times and you think that it's only going to get darker, the clouds part and the sun shines and you're surprised that life isn't always about pain and shame and hurt.

I wish that I could explain that to her as the tears continue to streak down her face, but I don't think she would really hear me, that she would know that I understand. I know that this woman is going to walk out of here with scars that she's going to carry the rest of her life, and the reality is that those scars are the real weight that she carries, the burden that makes her life difficult to live. And I'm sure she will add this unfortunate accident to a list of things that will make her life that much harder and create that much more self-loathing.

I hear the words coming out of my mouth before I can even process that I am speaking. "It's not your fault. It was an accident." My plea is sincere, but I can tell by the look on her face that she wishes that it were her fault, that she could bear it more if she had intentionally killed this man.

"I know you mean well, Ms. Sidle, but I don't want to be the punchline in some late night talk show." Her words tremble as she speaks and I know that there is nothing that I can say that is going to remove this pain from her, that she won't understand that I understand that it's about more than just her size.

I'm still mulling over the interview and as I stand in front of my locker I don't hear Nick walk in until he's standing right next to me.

"I hear you solved your case." He's got an ever present smile on his face and sometimes I wonder how he does it. He sees just as much horrible stuff as I do on a daily basis and he can still see the world in a way that amazes me.

"We figured it out anyway." I let out a sigh as I pull out my jacket. "The death was accidental." I look at him out of the corner of my eye as I shut my locker door. "How was your case?"

"We solved it." His brow is furrowed and I wonder if there is more to the story.

I rest my shoulder against the locker and study him for a moment. "You doing ok?"

He glances around to make sure we're alone before he answers. "Yeah, it's just Catherine."

I nod in understanding. Catherine has been rubbing us all the wrong way lately. Her promotion seems to have brought out a green-eyed monster and she seems to think that everyone not on her shift is trying to hedge in on her cases.

Nick continues. "I just happened to mention that things were easier before Ecklie split us all up and she took that as some barb about me having her for a supervisor."

I wince. "I'm sorry." Nick has a good working relationship with Catherine and I know that he genuinely likes her, but her insecurity about her job seems to be spilling over onto everyone.

Nick shakes his head and puts a smile on his face. "It's ok. I'm sure it won't be like this forever."

I quirk an eyebrow at him. "Hungry?"

He chuckles and grins. "Now when have you ever known me to turn down an opportunity to eat?"

I smirk and arch my brows because I can think of several instances where food wasn't exactly the first thing on his mind.

A knowing smile spreads across his face and he leans towards me and whispers conspiratorially. "Trust me, you are always better than food."

My lips are pulling themselves upward into a smile and I cannot do a thing to stop them, and I don't want to. The man standing in front of me has shown me more about life and love than I ever thought anyone could. At first people didn't really understand what drew us together, but neither of us really cared. We knew that our friendship had blossomed into a love that neither one of us could explain or live without. And even though we still have plenty of pain and hurt and insecurities, we've found that together the burden is a lot lighter.

_**The End**_


End file.
